My thoughts on Elvis Costello and "Concert Etiquette" by Matthew Singer

This evening, two friends and myself attended the Elvis Costello-Emmylous Harris show in Central Park. While I have long been a big fan of this Elvis (though I will admit some of my fervor has subsided in recent years) I was still extremely excited to see him perform in person for the first time. On the whole, I thought the show was something of a let down, especially when Elvis delved deeply into The Delivery Man and during the majority of his numbers with Emmylou -- I'm sorry, I just don't think their voices meld particularly well (not that I'm that big a fan of her's anyways). Still, it was a pleasure seeing the man in the flesh. If only I had seen him during the When I Was Cruel tour, however: now that's good recent Elvis!

Up-staging the performers on-stage, however, was a gentleman named Bob, who wreaked his particular form of havoc throughout the show. Parents, if you don't know what to say to your children about the dangers of long-term drug use, take them to the concert of some similar aging performer and scour the audience searching for your Bob. Once you find him, he'll do the rest.

One of my fellow concert goers, Matthew Singer, has graciously volunteered to contribute on the broader topic of concert etiquette. Read the whole thing, it's laugh-out-loud funny -- and that's not LOL... if you use that abbreviation, chances are pretty good that you suffer from the same "functional retardation" that our guest contributor has so accurately diagnosed:

It seems like common sense, but the distressingly poor
behavior of audience members at this evening's concert
by Elvis Costello and Emmylou Harris in Central Park
suggests that some of the drunker, stupider, and more
annoying among us need a reminder of how to properly
attend a rock show. Here, then, is your field guide
to concert etiquette:

1)Know the performers
Nothing caps off a good performance like a hearty
cheer. But when doing so, always take care to
remember the names of the musicians. For instance
it's "Emmylou" not "Emily" and "Elvis Costello"
not
"JACKSON!" If extreme inebriation or functional
retardation make remembering multisyllabic names
impossible, draw up a cheat sheet before heading out
to the show. Also, if it's been a while, don't forget
to relisten to those old records, just so you can keep
track of who sings what songs. Contrary to the
beliefs of the staggering lunatic in front of me,
Elvis Costello did not record "London Calling."

2)Watch your mouth
Be aware of your surroundings. If there are small
children around, berating the musicians with a stream
of explosive vulgarity may be inappropriate. Come to
think of it, unless the musicians have, directly or
indirectly, caused you egregious bodily harm,
explosive vulgarity really isn't appropriate whether
there are children around or not.

3)Respect personal space
Yes, you're excited, it's a rock concert. We're all
excited. Dancing, clapping, and the occasional
a'hooting and a'hollering is welcome and appreciated,
but take into account that you're sharing a very hot,
cramped space with other people. Dancing in place,
not into other people. Clap in your own area, don't
swing your arms wildly into the faces of others. With
the hooting and the hollering, it's pretty much fair
game. Just try not to do it during the solo acoustic
numbers (And certainly don't reply loudly to the
questions posed by the lyrics; this is a concert, not
a poll, friend).

4)Don't be "That Guy"
Though the "That Guy" at a concert is typically the
one who wears the band t-shirt to the gig, the other,
rarer species of "That Guy" is even more insidious.
This "That Guy" is the one that only knows one song by
the artist and shouts its title repeatedly until he
hears it. Additionally, should the musician
begrudingly reply, do not reply mid-song with "Thank
you motherfucker!" (For further instructions, please
return to rules one and two)

Happy concertgoing everybody!