Is it possible, am I what I despise most? Am I (gulp!) a hipster?

The reason I bring it up is that while reading my beloved New York Post yesterday, I came across a column on Coldplay's latest album, X & Y (to be released tomorrow), entitled "A Hipster Dilemma." The title says its all: it really isn't cool to like Coldplay anymore, as appealing as some of their music may be. Let me be honest: I really liked their first album Parachutes (2000), for which there was no need to apologize. When their second album was released, A Rush of Blood to the Head (2002), I thought it surpassed the first, and for quite some time thereafter, I believed it to be something of a mini-masterpiece. Then a few months pass, "Clocks" becomes huge, and Chris Martin begins dating Gwyneth Paltrow. You see my problem?

No? Good. That means you're not a hipster. However, I remain extremely skeptical towards the forthcoming release -- in much the same way that I retain a love-hate relationship with U2... not that Coldplay can hold a candle to what the Dubliners have done in twenty-six years. It doesn't help that such commercially-inviable acts like Franz Ferdinand and The Arcade Fire have risen to Spin-circulation level popularity, while updating demiurges The Smiths. Who needs Coldplay when you have these superiors acts anyways?

But really, Coldplay is not the issue here. The issue is whether or not I'm a hipster. On a website devoted to the appropriate criminalization of hipsters, ten preliminary criteria are established. Of these, I am guilty of four: (7) I have a graduate degree, in the arts no less; (4) I can readily recall a TV theme song written before I was born -- you name it; (2) I do believe that "Pet Sounds" is The Beach Boys' best album, and yes I do believe that it rivals "Sgt. Pepper's..."; and finally, (1) I insist on calling movies films.

I come close in two more: (10) I may hail from the Midwest, but unlike hipsters, I despise Brooklyn, avoiding it at all costs; and (6) my parents no longer support me, but if the real estate business doesn't pick up...

However, on the other four, no sir: (9) I don't own a single Guided by Voices album; (8) I'm a Republican -- take that you bloody Naderites; (5) I don't own t-shirts with dated symbols... and to tell the truth, the idea of an undershirt as an ironic statement makes me wretch; and finally, (3) I would never, never muss my hair and/or neglect to wash it. I would rather be drawn-and-quartered than cause even a single strand of my beautiful coiffure to be out of place.

So there you have it, no hipster, even if I might possess certain tendencies. Whether this means I will be able to overcome my objections and buy X & Y, that is yet to be seen.